Defining Moments
by bashipforever
Summary: After Season 1 BTVS 'Angel' episode Buffy's thoughts, maybe Angel's too
1. Default Chapter

Summary: Buffy's thoughts after the episode 'Angel' (season 1) ends. I'm not really sure where this is going to take me.  
  
*-Defining moments-*  
  
"Night, Will." I say with a wave as she unlocks the front door to her house and disappears inside. I walk along the sidewalk slowly. I flip my stake up in the air and catch it behind my back. I once thought about trying out for the drill team at Hemery High. It was part of the band though, and that just wasn't cool. Somehow my thoughts drift from Hemery High's drill team to Angel. This really isn't that far of a jump considering I've been thinking about him approximately every 2.3 seconds.  
  
He looked so pitiful and pained when I left him at the Bronze. I almost caved in. I considered for a moment going back to his arms, laying my hand on his cheek and saying "Don't worry, I'll stay for always." That would have been playing way to easy to get though. I might as well have put a sign on my forehead that says Hello, I'm a great big Ho. Or I could just borrow some of Cordy's clothes.  
  
Giles is probably still in the library hitting the books. He's trying to find some incident of another vampire staking their sire. He insists that it's just not done. I figure it has to have been done before. I mean come on, you live centuries with someone and you don't decide one day you've had enough of them leaving their socks all over the place so you just stake them. Besides, if I think about him staking his sire, something that's just not done, for me, it's going to drive me crazy. I'm going to start making assumptions and those assumptions are going to lead to crazy daydreams about dates and love and making out, ok time to stop the madness Buffy. See what I mean?  
  
I shimmy up the tree to my window. I listen for Mom's soft snoring from the other room and jump nimbly through the window. I switch on the radio, letting it play softly and change into my pj's. I've got history homework to finish. Could there be anything duller then civil war history. I mean really. History is ancient, which leads me back to thoughts of Angel. He's ancient too, but God so much more interesting then the civil war. I close my book and flop on my back in the bed. I might as well give into thoughts of him. I feel a tingling at the base of my spine and just as I sit up I hear him.  
  
"You know, you really shouldn't sleep with your window open."  
  
I smile and turn around. He's sitting on my window sill like a great big, beautiful cat. I get up and walk over to him, concern of causing a skanky ho image put aside. "But then I wouldn't get unexpected midnight visitors."  
  
"If I can get up here other things can too, things that don't need an invitation." He warns.  
  
"I can take care of myself, Angel. You know, if you came by just to give me dire warnings, I'm really tired." I sigh. 241 years old, you would think he'd learn a little more about women or relationships, or something, but then he probably ate all his ex girlfriends.  
  
"No, Buffy. Listen, I don't want to fight. I'll just go." He turns and I make a leap across the room, my hand just brushing his shoulder.  
  
"Angel, wait. I'm sorry." Seeing him throws me. It flip flops my stomach, tingles my spine and makes me feel altogether to hot. God, Buffy, you've got it bad. I notice a burn on his chest, right under his throat. "Angel, what happened? Were you attacked?" I start to rummage through my overnight stand for a stake and a bottle of holy water.  
  
He chuckles. It's a deep rumbley sound and is there anything this man does that doesn't turn me to a puddle of Buffy?  
  
"No, I-it's from earlier tonight, when you kissed me."  
  
My fingers fly to the large silver cross, the cross he gave me, that I wear around my neck. I smack myself in the forehead. "Oh, God! No wonder you look like you were in so much pain. I'm sorry. You should have said something."  
  
He looks straight into my eyes. He looks straight into me and somehow I know he sees me like no one else ever has, or ever will. Have you ever had one of those moments where you know your life is changed forever? Defining moments, I think they call them. My calling was one of those moments; this is one of them too.  
  
"It's okay. It was worth it."  
  
Tears rush to my eyes. I can't even respond to that. I grab the cross and pull it off. I toss it on the dresser. A slow smile spreads across his face. I step into the circle of his arms. His cool lips are on my, his big hands stroke my back and I am instantly aware that I'm not wearing a bra. Kissing Angel is like falling and knowing he'll be there to catch me. When he finally pulls away, I'm breathless.  
  
"I should probably go. You've got school in the morning." He traces the shape of my lips with his forefinger.  
  
I nod, totally unable to actually speak.  
  
"I just wanted to make sure you got home okay." He says, crouching in the window, ready to leave.  
  
"I'm-really good." I manage to say.  
  
He smiles this really adorable fallen angel grin and I melt.  
  
"Sweet dreams," He says before disappearing into the night.  
  
I crawl into bed with this huge smile on my face. Oh yeah, sweet dreams. 


	2. Defining MomentsAngel

A/N Angel's thoughts after Btvs season 1 episode 'Angel'  
  
-Defining Moments-  
  
I stand in her yard outside her window. I can still hear her heartbeat from here. She invokes an incredible protectiveness in me. I want to guard her precious heart and soul with everything in me. Maybe the protectiveness is something the Powers have done, to make sure I'll perform the duty I've been selected for. Yeah, that's why I'm hanging around her window like a love sick school boy instead of a 241 year old vampire.  
I look up at her open window and take a deep breath. The scent of her fills the air. I can't describe how she smells. It's vanilla but there's an innocence and freshness to it that's her. It doesn't come from a bottle or a jar. I'd forgotten such innocence and goodness existed in the world until I saw her sitting on the steps, the sunlight caressing her like a lover. How could I not fall in love with her?  
What am I saying? Love, that's ridiculous. She's a vampire slayer, a 16 year old vampire slayer. I'm two hundred and twenty four years older then her, not to mention a vampire. She's sworn to kill my kind. She is the boogey man demon mothers tell their children about to keep them in at night. I should be hiding from her and instead I'm standing outside her window.  
She's having good dreams. I don't know how I know that but I do. I can feel it. It's like butterflies in the pit of my stomach, the good kind you get when something exciting is happening. I smirk to myself. I can't even remember the last time I felt that way. The crux of it is I can also feel her pain and it's a palatable thing. When she thought I'd hurt her mother, her pain almost brought me to my knees.  
I know I should walk away from this. I should melt into the shadows and stay away from her. I can protect and I can warn without her seeing me. The problem is she can feel me, like I can feel her inside. It's a tightening of the chest, a whispering in my ribcage, almost like a heartbeat and I know that's impossible. My heart died in 1783. However, I can definitely protect and warn her without kissing her. When I'm close to her there's a war going on inside of me. My soul is screaming out to touch her, hold her, and breathe her in. The demon in me is screaming to run, to fight, and to hide. I imagine holding Buffy feels very much the way humans feel when they jump from airplanes. It's exhilarating. It's a moment when you know you could be seconds from death, and yet you have never felt more alive. I forget for milliseconds at a time that I'm a walking corpse. I forget I haven't seen the sun in two hundred and forty one years. And God, when she smiles, it's just not fair. I can almost feel the sun beating down on my skin. It's scary. I tremble at her touch, afraid I'm going to burst into flame at any moment and yet something in me just can't walk away.  
I can smell the sunrise. It won't be long now. I still can't bring myself to leave her yard, just ten more minutes. There will be plenty of time to get back to my apartment before the sun comes. I'm so focused on the girl in the window I don't notice the Sunnydale Police car pull up to the curb.  
  
"Is there a problem here?" The police officer says getting out of his car.  
  
"No, Sir. No problem, I'm just-checking up on a friend." I stumble across my words.  
  
"This friend in trouble?" The police officer asks glancing up at her open window.  
  
"No, Sir. You know, I was just headed home. I just stopped, checking to see if there were lights on. I thought maybe she'd be up already." I lie easily. It comes from many years of experience.  
  
"I don't see any lights on. Why don't you move on?" The police officer suggests.  
  
I nod and start off down the sidewalk. The police car trails me for a moment before driving past. I pick up my pace. I really did linger to long and I need to get inside. The sky is just turning pink when I close the door of my apartment. I take off my shirt and drape it over a chair. My fingers brush the cross shaped burn on my chest. They sizzle at that slight contact with the image of a cross. It's going to leave a scar and I'm glad. Years from now when my beautiful slayer has left this earth I will have a reminder of a girl who saw past the demon to the man I was and a kiss. I shake my head. I've just got to walk away from this. 


	3. Chapter Three: Nightmares no more

-Defining Moments-  
  
Summary: After season 1 Nightmares.  
  
-Buffy-  
  
I sit on the swing in park. The chains creak. It's quiet and for some reason I'm longing for monsters. I haven't seen Angel since that night my room. I don't get him. I mean he says he'll see me soon. He kisses me. He says kissing me is worth pain but then he disappears? I feel like he's still watching me, but not in a stalker creepy way, in a nice protecting way. He's not like any other guy I've ever known, which I guess is sort of the point because no guy I've ever known makes my toes tingle with just a look the way he does.  
Speaking of tingles, I leap to my feet and spin around, just missing the dark figure standing there with a spinning side kick. He puts his hands up and backs away.  
  
"Sorry, I guess you want to be alone."  
  
"Angel? Oh God, I'm sorry. I thought you were someone else." Now I feel like an idiot. Is there anyone I've been interested in dating in Sunnydale that I haven't tried to kill?  
  
"Someone of the demon variety, I'm guessing." He says stepping closer to me.  
  
He's wearing black slacks, a white tee shirt and his long black duster. He dresses really well for someone who can't actually see himself in the mirror.  
  
"It's just that with everything that happened, I expected there to be more baddies out instead of less." I shrug and sit down on the merry go round. Angel sits next to me and I can't help but smile.  
  
"Yeah, the whole nightmare thing."  
  
I look at him. "You knew?"  
  
He smiles at me. He's got this grin and it just makes me goofy. You can tell Angel isn't someone who smiles very much so when he smiles because of me, suffice to say it makes me happy.  
  
"I lurk." He says. "Things looked a little crazy for a little while."  
  
"They were, way crazy for awhile." I scuff my foot in the dirt. "Xander dreamed a clown was chasing him, Willow was on stage, Giles couldn't read."  
  
"What about you? What was your worst fear?" he asks softly.  
  
I gulp. "Oh, silly things I guess. Dad didn't want to see me again. Like that would ever happen, I mean he loves our father daughter outings, I think. And the Master killed me, made me-" I stop and look up into his eyes. The way he looks at me is intense. It takes everything and narrows it down to just me and him.  
  
"Made you what?" he prods  
  
"Huh?" I blink at him. I've completely forgotten what it was that I was saying.  
  
"You said the Master killed you and made you something."  
  
"I was speaking?" I smile. I remember now, but I'd like to avoid the question. I mean I'd like to see him again, how encouraging is that going to be if I say By the way, my worst nightmare is being someone like you.  
  
"Buffy, you are the strangest girl." He says with a soft chuckle.  
  
"But strange in a good way, right? Not like get away evil fiend strange."  
  
He reaches out to touch my cheek and smiles again. "No, not like get away. More like come closer." He leans forward and kisses me. He's hesitant at first, kissing so lightly. I lean into the kiss, wanting more, asking for more. He kisses me harder. I can tell how much he wants me and it's a heady experience. I'm not even really sure what he wants. I mean I've seen the movies and the pictures but that's different from knowing. I pull away. I can't breath. Wow, now that's attractive, Buffy, hyperventilate when the guy kisses you.  
  
"It's a lot, I know. I feel it too." He says brushing hair back from my face.  
  
I smile up at him. "You handle it better then I do."  
  
"No, I just don't have to breathe. Come on, walk you home?"  
  
He stands and offers me his hand. I take it in my own and we walk slowly back to Revello drive. He has really big hands. Isn't there a saying about big hands? Or is that big feet. Great, now I'm trying to avoid looking at his feet. Get it together, Buffy. Like that's ever going to happen around Angel.  
  
"Are you okay?" He asks me.  
  
I nod. "Yeah, I'm good. Why?"  
  
"Your heart is beating a mile a minute."  
  
I look at him utterly confused.  
  
"I can hear it." He confesses a bit shyly.  
  
This is fantastic, really, couldn't get any better. I'm walking home with a guy whom the mere thought of sets my heart to going like a trip hammer and he can _hear_ it. Maybe I should just slit my wrists now before I embarrass myself any further.  
  
We're standing in front of my house much too quickly. I look up at the window I left open when I snuck out. He cups my face in his hand and leans down for a soft, sweet kiss.  
  
"Don't worry, Buffy. You make me feel like my heart is beating a mile a minute."  
  
Then he's gone. How does he do that? Just disappear? I touch my fingers to my kiss swollen lips and stand there for a moment before climbing up to my window. I snuggle under the covers. I drift off to sleep with a goofy grin on my face and one thought in my head. I make him feel like his heart is beating. 


	4. Chapter 4 She died tonight

-Defining Moments- She died tonight  
  
Summary: Angel's thoughts after Prophecy Girl (btvs season 1)  
  
-Angel-  
  
I'm standing outside her window, again. I walked her home from the Bronze tonight. Neither of us mentioned what happened, only that the dance was nice, her dress was pretty, the music was good. I don't know how I expected her to take dying, but it wasn't like this. I didn't expect a party with dancing and punch.  
I don't think it's sunk in yet, for me or her. She died tonight. The Powers trusted me with her protection and I let her die. I couldn't even save her. It took some high school kid who's half crazy in love with her. He saved her while I stood by and watched. I half expect to be smite as I'm standing here.  
She walks back into the room. She's wearing her pajamas. She stands at the window and looks out. I know she feels me, even if she's not sure what she's feeling yet. I can't just walk away, but I don't know if my presence is wanted. She confuses me. She turns me around and it doesn't matter how long I've walked this earth. I'm just as much a teenage boy, half crazy in love with her, as Xander is. I'd love to say it's a special slayer power of hers. The truth is it's a special Buffy power.  
She leaves the window after a few moments and I can hear the blankets rustle as she gets in bed. I'll just stay a little longer, make sure she gets to sleep, and then I'll go back to my Spartan apartment and brood. That's when I hear her sobs. Before I even have time to think, I take one great leap and land on the roof outside her window. I slip through and she's in my arms almost before the tears start to fall. I can not breathe life into her, but I can be here, I can comfort her with soft touches.  
I have never seen a person cry with of more themselves. Buffy uses her entire body to cry. Her pain fills the room. It's a tangible thing. She trembles in my arms. I hold her tighter, desperate to stop her shaking, to put her world right. I bow my head in the crown of her hair and find I can't stop the tears that come to my own eyes. She died tonight.  
I don't know how much time passed before she stopped crying. Time is meaningless with Buffy. Her little body stops shaking. She looks up at me. Her eyes are red and swollen. I have never seen her look more beautiful. She smells like salt and vanilla. She wipes away my tears with tiny fingers. She stretches and her lips just graze mine. It sparks a fire within, a fire I didn't know existed. I'm pulling her back into me. I've got to get her closer. I tilt my head and deepen the kiss. I can't get enough of her. There's never enough her. Her lips are warm, her mouth is warm. I feel my cool lips taking on the heat of her. My body absorbs her heat. She's bringing me to life one kiss at a time. In her arms, I can forget I'm a dead man.  
She pulls away, taking heaving panting breaths. I find I'm doing the same thing. I know she's a virgin, that doesn't stop me from wanting to take her right now. She's 16 years old. How can she do this to me? I've never wanted any woman like I want her. I look at her now, sitting next to me on the bed. Her eyes are hungry with desire and need. She doesn't even know what she wants, but she feels it. She's trembling again, but it has nothing to do with tears. She would cave, if that's what I wanted. It wouldn't take much, some more kisses, sweet words, promises that heaven help me I would want to keep. I stand up. I've got to be the grown up. I've got to make these decisions for both us, because I can.  
  
"I better go. I wanted to make sure you were okay." I say. She will never know how much I want to stay.  
  
She nods. "I just need to sleep. Dad is coming tomorrow to take me to LA for the summer."  
  
The summer, the entire summer I want to say. I only nod. "Then I'll see you when you get back?"  
  
"I'll be here, you know the destiny thing." She says sounding resigned and much older then her 16 years.  
  
"Buffy," I don't even know what I want to say her, or rather there are so many things I want to say I can't say anything.  
  
"Yes?" She says, waiting for me to finish my sentence.  
  
I shake my head. "Have a good summer."  
  
I leap down from her roof and walk back toward my apartment. I swallow the tears that threaten to return. She died tonight. 


	5. Chapter 5 Summer in LA

-Defining Moments-  
  
A/N This takes place the summer Buffy is in LA between Prophecy Girl and When she was bad. Buffy's POV. I couldn't find a transcript of the movie Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The only name I could remember for sure was Tyler so I made up her friends names.  
  
-Buffy-  
  
I feel useless here. I don't do anything. I shop, I go to the beach. I lay out and get a tan. I go shop some more. Was this ever my life? Was I ever really one of these girls? I mean really, what do I have in common with them anymore? Charrity asked me last night what I did this year. I shrugged and said nothing interesting. What was I supposed to say? I prevented some apocalypses, defied prophecies, fell in love with a 241 year old vampire and died. How was your year? And Dad wonders why I don't want to go out more.  
I started the summer by going out. I went out with Tyler. Was he always a 12 year old cretin? It's sounds trite but he's a boy and I don't want a boy anymore. I sigh. Who am I kidding? I don't even want a man. I want an Angel, the dark and shadowy brooding kind that doesn't show up to take me to coffee but does show up when I'm crying my heart out in my room. I'd lay bets if I started sobbing like that Tyler would run for the hills.  
  
"Buffy!" My dad yells from the living room. "Want to go shopping?"  
  
Who'd have thought I'd get tired of shopping? Dad doesn't know what else to do with me, so he takes me shopping. We sit in the car and listen to a CD of music he would have been screaming at me about last year. I feel guilty. He doesn't know what to talk to me about and I really don't know what to say to him. So we sit and listen to music. We went over the how's work, work is good, how's school, school is good, ok so I lied. I can't tell him about any of the important things in my life, like slaying, or Angel. I tried to tell him about my friends, Xander and Willow that just let to questions about what we do together outside of school. I told him we go Bronzing. I can't tell him that I spend half my life in the library and the other half walking through graveyards. He and Mom would put me back into the mental institution for sure. And that's a place I so don't want to visit ever again.  
  
*  
  
I slip off my new black heeled sandals and lay down on the bed. Tears come to my eyes. I don't know why I'm crying. I went with Charrity and the other Hemery High Cheerleaders to a party tonight. Tyler was there. I spent half the night avoiding him and the other half trying not to gape at the kids there. My old friends make Cordy look almost human. I can't believe this was ever me. None of these girls ever worry about anything outside of their own little world. I guess they don't have to, there are people like me to worry about the world and the save-age of said world. It makes me admire Xander and Willow and even Cordelia more. They don't have to help. They could stick their heads in the sand just like all my LA friends did, even though they saw the vamps, they saw me burn the gym down. It's easier to just not believe I guess.  
  
I put my pajamas and open the window. I know Angel won't come through it. He's in Sunnydale. I close my eyes and try to remember that little tickle tingle that starts in the base of my spine when he's around. I can't remember what it feels like. I get his jacket out of my closet and wrap it around me. I close my eyes and breathe in the smell of him and that brings more tears to my eyes. I lay down on the bed and face my very empty window. I close my eyes and imagine he's going to watch over my sleep, my guardian angel.  
  
1 week and 4 days until I go back to Sunnydale. I wonder if he's counting the days, or if he cares. I'm scared to go back. I mean I died there. It's creepy. That's my life though, and I don't fit in this one anymore. I can't close my eyes and pretend that things don't go bump in the night. I wish I could. It'd be so nice to be a normal girl, not like the girls here, but a girl who doesn't have a destiny, who doesn't have to do this until she dies, again, a normal girl, who just happens to have a cradle robbing creature of the night boyfriend. Angel, boyfriend same thought, a goofy grin spreads to my face.1 week and 4 days until I see Angel. 


End file.
